In all the stress of the wedding I wasn't able to sleep at all last night. I couldn't seem to get my mind to turn off. I'm a little too worried about forgetting things I think. Tomorrow night I'm going to have to sleep with a pen and paper next to my bed so I can write it down and then try to get to sleep because my normal techniques of getting to sleep would NOT work for me last night. I guess that's what happens when you have an awful memory like mine and a big day like Saturday.
Even though I'm pooped I am so excited for the rest of the week to fly by so that I can be married to my one true love. It will be my love story that never ends. I can't believe how blessed I am. Last night while I couldn't sleep I was thinking about the last ten years of my life. Years were I had met Daniel and was dating him off and on. So many years spent with a man who didn't understand me. I wanted to cry and the time lost, but then realize if I hadn't married Daniel there probably would be no Caden and Hyrum running around in Vernal Utah right now. Caden and Hyrum bring on another sort of sadness. Not of regret like when I think of choosing to marry Daniel, but in remorse that I can't see them and be their mother.
How great a father Jake would be to them! How much I hate that he is not their dad, things would have been so different. Sigh! It does no good to dwell on these things of course so I turned my thoughts to the Lord. Giving thanks for now having Jake in my life and being able to be given a second chance. I have much to be thankful for. I am marrying into a family where I feel accepted and loved for who I am. I am so grateful to feel loved by this family. They have told me more than once that if I had decided or Jake had decided to call of the wedding that they would still want me to be a part of their family. How I love the Seward family and I can't wait to bear their name!
I have been praying that when my family comes to Oregon that especially my dear mother and father will feel comforted and maybe heal a little bit by their uncertainty of how they raised such a daughter. I am hoping that they will find peace in my past and be able to move forward without being so scared and judgemental of my life now. I am happy! I want them to see that. I'll admit that part of me wants my family to see how well I am doing so that Lindsey and Josh may hear so that maybe in the future they will not fear my involvement with Caden and Hyrum so much and give me a chance to be a small part of their lives again. I miss my family and the interaction that I am now missing out on. I miss Lindsey whom used to be my closest sister. Most of all I miss my boys. I pray for them daily and hope one day that Jake and I will get to be a part of their lives.
As I kneel across the alter in the temple with Jake on Saturday my thoughts will undoubtedly be turned to Caden and Hyrum. My gratitude will be over flowing for the fact that I will continue to be sealed to them and then will also be sealed to a man who respect and loves me. Who actually adores me and will do NOTHING to purposely hurt me. Truly the Lord loves me and has blessed me with these boys and men in my life I will continue everyday to be worthy to be with them forever and always!
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