Three Little Words - 143

 I don't know why in the past it has been so difficult for me to say 'I love you'. I remember even with Daniel it being very difficult and times. I felt as if I had to force an anxiety attack down just to say those little words. Even though I did love him. Thankfully for me feeling love for someone is not difficult at ALL. It is a gift I believe, but admitting that out loud to someone is another story all together. Many a time after someone tells me that they love me I would quickly reply with a forced "Ditto!" feeling like it was an inadequate response yet unable to let myself say the actual words. Maybe it's because like so many other things in this world that phrase is used too lightly. I'm not sure exactly where the hesitation comes from, but it is still there whole heartily, whether I like it or not... I've worked on it in the past and work on it everyday. Especially with my residence knowing that for them it really maybe the last time that I have a chance to say those words to them in this life. Yet even as I write about these words of feel the tension rise in my chest.

Has my fear of using these words lessened any?? Maybe, at least for one person. Amazingly enough in just a short while I have fallen in love. I know, crazy right! It's true though, I no longer feel the need to eat or sleep I'd much rather be talking to, being with this person and feel a great amount of sustaining power in doing so. I knew that Jake was ready and itching to say the 'L' word before he actually said the words. I could see it in his eyes and he mentioned something about some rule about it being too early to express those kinds of feelings. I was grateful for the heads up before he actually sweetly expressed those words to me. I wasn't prepared for the impact they would have on me. For once I didn't feel the obligation in trying to say something that I wasn't ready to admit to myself or anyone else for that matter, or maybe not feeling that way yet at all. It was spoken in a quiet moment were no kiss was present before or after. It was then that as I heard the words and had the time to ask him questions about his feelings for me that I actually felt good for the first time in my life that I remember telling someone that I loved them. I felt no pressure, no anxiety. I knew it was the truth, that it wasn't forced and that he would still love me even if I wasn't ready to admit that I loved him.

An honest confession of love. What a precious and beautiful moment. One I hope I never forget. No matter what happens in the future with Jake and I. It was incredible...perfect!