Real First Day at the Job

So... a quick explanation of what has happened. I believe I posted earlier that I got a job as a care giver a.k.a. residency assistant at Arbor Oaks. I was to start I don't know back in September some time. Well I went in that first day to get my paperwork done and do some much needed training. I began doing my paper work after I had given the receptionist my drivers license and social. She soon came back in after making copies informing me that since I was such a new resident in Oregon that I would need to get my fingerprints done. Explaining how I was to do this and that it shouldn't take too long of a process. Well....sigh, it wasn't supposed to take that long of a process but because Arbor Oaks had just changed management after I had given them my fingerprints they were not even mailed out until the middle of October. Yah, I wasn't to thrilled when I learned of this and by that point was looking for another job. Finally last week on Friday I was called and informed that my prints had finally gone through and was asked to come in the following Tuesday to finish filling out my paper work.

That was yesterday, I was excited to finally be working. That excitement vanished quickly as I watched a few documentaries about people who suffered from a memory illness such as dementia and Alzheimers. I learned what the symptoms where and how their families had to try to deal and cope with the changes in the parents, grandparents, siblings, etc. behaviors. It reminded me a great deal of grandpa and grandma Buck, but mostly all that time that I spent one on one with grandma Roberts. I cried through much of the 3 hour documentary and felt sick when I finally left work. I cried through out most of the rest the day and went to bed bailing. I have lost a lot to those in my life who suffered from these diseases, but to tell the truth a lot of the tears had to do with how much I have lost in my life because of the memories that I have lost.

It is almost like I have amnesia but am slowly getting back bits and pieces of my life. I don't remember my wedding day, or the birth of my children, friends, family, etc, etc. I do remember bits and pieces of Caden but almost nothing of Hyrum. I am ashamed and it is so embarrassing for people to ask me questions about my past. I feel stupid but mostly I feel a deep loss. I still struggle with my short term memory loss and that was not supposed to be the cause. I was to last no longer than a year and all my long term memories should have been back by now as well. Frustrating and heart wrenching. I did not think that this job would be so difficult for me. I thought me having had a little experience with memory loss I would sympathize and be able to maybe offer additional comfort that maybe those who had not struggled with it could. Now I have little hope of that at all.

Today was my first real day at the job. One on one with the patients in the facility. I was right about one thing, because I know what its like to be in their shoes to some extent at least it was easy for me to love these people immediately. It broke my heart to watch them struggle for words, to see food in front of them be hungry but not know what a fork was used for. Today was just as emotionally draining as watching those 3 hours of documentaries, though even more so because I was watching 10 people for 8 hours going through the exact same thing. I don't know if I will be able to do this job. I'm not willing to give up yet. I'm hoping with time that it will become a little easier, but it's only a sliver of hope.