This year as a hopefully positive coping skill. I've decided to train and run my first ever 5k. I am actually on my second week of training right now. I will be running the Saturday before Hyrum's 5th birthday while wearing this shirt and dedicating that run to both Caden and Hyrum. Dayton is where I will actually be running the 5k and they do not provide t-shirts so I had this shirt made especially for me. The 1-4-3 on the shirt is sign (ASL) for I love you. I hope to finally transfer some of the heartache into something that is actually good for me and will only help me and the boys to one day see one another again. Because the better I am doing the better chance of Lindsey and Josh giving me the opportunity to see them. I don't know if thats really true or not, but either way when I do see my boys I want to be healthy and strong so that they can feel continued stability with having me in their lives again. :) This was the best idea I've had to help show them even though they wont see this shirt or see me run or even know that I have run this race for them for maybe years to come, but it's a step towards them.
I pray for them everyday if not more, usually every time that I think of them which is always. I love them so much! I hope that they are happy. I hope that one day I will get an opportunity to show and tell them that before it is too late. I pray that Lindsey and Josh's heart will be softened and that they will be in tuned to the spirit so that they will know when it will be the best time for Caden and Hyrum to get to know me once again. I can't wait tell the day. I imagine it all the time especially when I'm in bed and should be sleeping or when I see a little boy that reminds me of them. I hope it is sooner than later, but I understand that my time is not the boys time, Lindsey and Josh's time, and most importantly the Lord's time. I can only take care of myself so that when that time does come I'm ready to be me. To be honest and open and to hopefully help heal those tender hearts.
I love you Caden and Hyrum! 1-4-3
Tell we meet again!
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